Everything I Do Is To Get Laid

If you are not caught up already, there has been a recent trend on TikTok and Instagram Reels about “performative men”. The trend is about a type of guy that has a tote bag, a Labubu plush, drinks matcha, and reads in public. Most of the posts online are critical of these men, most of the posters think they’re funny, a small minority of the critical posts are actually funny…but maybe I only think that because…well…as you might have guessed from the title…they’re all about me.

Yup, sorry everyone, it’s true. Everything I do in my life is to get laid.

Unlike you amateurs, I have been tote-bag swinging since 2019. When I was 17, I picked up a copy of The Second Sex to impress an alt girl I was meeting at a Barnes & Noble. She was actually maybe one of the least feminist people I have met in my life, so I think it backfired. But I did read through the whole book and then came out as transgender a few weeks later, which was the first of many wins from my getting-laid-driven approach to life.

In fact, during one of my performative reading sessions I had while Karaoke was going on at Easton (yes, I read at the bar at 17), I learned about another performative man legend. He read Marx and Fanon to have “something to say to the long-legged socialist who lived in my dorm”. And, even better for a transgender they/them who could only attract bisexuals, this man read Foucault and Virginia Woolf to help pick up the “ethereal bisexual who wore mostly black”. What a player! I knew what was going on my Goodreads that night! Oh, right, that man? His name was Barack Hussein Obama II. I think I’ve heard of him before.

So, naturally, I had to get into Foucault and Virginia Woolf. Foucault carried me through to getting laid for the first time with the reading circle lead at the socialist college club I joined. In this new world where woman can open bank accounts, it can be hard to get laid if you’re AMAB, but positive role models like Obama can really help, thanks Obama!

Even for me, though, being performative for over half a decade is hard work. And, even I fuck it up sometimes. That alt girl mentioned earlier did explain all my star signs to me years ago, but I have fully forgotten them now.

But, it’s not all bad. According to this random graph I saw on Instagram, from a website called datespychology that has no methodology section (I’m science literate to get laid btw), here are some top attractive hobbies for women: Reading, foreign languages, playing an instrument, etc. Now, I was born foreign, so I got that down. Reading? I’ve been doing that at the bar for years now. I just read Against Decolonization by Olufemi Taiwo and I’ve made sure everyone knows I read it (you know, to get, you know).

Instruments have always been hard for me, but writing is close by down that list. That’s right. I am writing this post to get laid.

Unlike these other performative people, I am shooting straight for the top. Who does every GIF-heavy culture magazine use as a model for performative men? Timothee Chalamat. (I think because he is skinny and has a personality.) I WILL find a way to get that SAG best actor award, Chalamat, you will not be able to stay at the BAGGY PANTS MATCHA TOP FOREVER. You are not the only one in “pursuit of greatness”, CHALAMAT.

Until then, I have a message. To the younger performative people out there, stay strong. The resistance is powerful right now, but pulling out “Let Me Tell You What I Mean” by Joan Didion in public will prevail. You will get laid. Here’s some unsolicited advice to performing 🤘 hard enough 🤘 to get laid:

  1. Get a full time job
  2. Open a savings account
  3. Learn to cook and do chores
  4. Read poetry on the bus (performatively, ideally cry a little and wistfully wipe the tears from your cheeks)
  5. Engage in class warfare
  6. Work out (to help with the aforementioned class warfare).

And no matter what you do. Do not forget to drink. that. matcha.

Thanks for reading the first post on the new site everyone. Fingers crossed this gets me laid.